I lament that I am not a patient person. Caught between action and inaction, I will choose to be rash for the sake of opportunity.
It’s something that I have only recently begun to understand about myself. I used to put it down to passion or a need to live dangerously, but the former is not always the case and the latter is plainly untrue.
It’s only now that I appreciate where my desire to risk all comes from. At university, I developed an appetite for constant movement; a goal-orientated lifestyle centred around constantly challenging myself. Finish assignment, walk six miles, hit the gym, read this, do that, sleep.
I listed my goals, breaking them down and reviewing them as I went. It was an epiphany, I was suddenly doing things, before constrained to my dreams, at a pace I didn’t think was possible. I was calmer, quicker, leaner and healthier than I’d ever been.
All of a sudden, I was staring at the final two bullet points on a scrap of paper I’d had for three years. Finish university. Get a job.
With the momentum I was carrying, I didn’t find it difficult to motivate myself.
I pulled countless caffeine fuelled all-nighters to complete my final project and dissertation. I made a list of the companies I wanted to work for, and pestered the ones at the top of the list relentlessly.
When I arrived in Nottingham on my first day at Erskine, I drew a line through the last item in my list.
With no goals to feed my former lifestyle, I began to over-compensate. Carelessly darting around, I wrote and said words I didn’t fully understand. I risked relationships, overt in every action. I went roof-first into a ditch at ninety miles an hour, and climbed out of a car I had no right to emerge from. Haste had turned into self-destruction.
After that, I wanted to do everything, and right now. I saw my peers and their achievements, and my own as inconsequent or irrelevant. I needed to do everything with greater speed and detail. Faster, better.
But when I lie, face buried into my green rug, the world stops for a moment, and I have another epiphany. A far more important one. I’m young. The world can wait.
Approaching everything with patience and consideration inherently leads to better pace and decision making. A rushed job is always a bad job. Turns out I’ve been making a rush job of life.
Time to slow down.
— by James Willock (@niceguyjames). Published 23 Jun 2011.